not lost

this man
he's a dreamer
smart and funny
a lover
we are smitten
i am patient

The Queen's Garden

a dream
i was taken to a place where a childhood memory was nudged
a place that i immediately knew
she was arrogant
she had aquired or had someone aquire this place for her exclusive use
she did not appreciate or love this place
it was her backdrop as she spoke cleverly of things
i told her a story and made her cry

silence

She blew in and said 'Talk now!' she is a sweetie, a child, a woman. 'How did you know?' I didn't know anything I thought, but then in less time than it takes to read this it dawned on me. I looked at her, her eyes bright with tears and relief that she was able to say what I now knew. So what do we do about this? She had already made plans, but needed reassurance that it was ok, yes it was ok. She smiled that smile, we hugged and I told her it was the right thing to do. That was that for us, but for me and my memories it was far from it, I was young and then not so young. Those things that you think are well buried emerged, tapping away inside my head. I told him that day over the phone, there was moments silence, yes he had remembered too.

sweet thing

again this morning it was something i had to deal with
this is not all about me as i am used to
it's all about someone i don't know
and i am fine with that
this person is special to so many other people
when death is close and you know it keeping your friends close is so important
no matter how difficult it is for them
when i am dead play sweet thing and let it remind you of me

failure

as is usual in my day i talk to a special person
this person is having a really tough time at the moment
dreams have been shattered, but with care can be put back together
friends are leaving in the worst possible way but they are saying goodbye in the best possible way
everything seems to be wrong for this person
and sadly it will get worse soon
today this person told that they were a failure and that i should agree
i want to challenge this person
i want them to look me in the eye and tell me their failures
and i will look back at them
and shake my head in disbelief

i know

today two very important men in my life told me things that jolted me
one who for an instant i thought was stuffing around told me how he suffers from depression and that he wasn't really sick he was doing it hard on an anniversary of a death
the other told me how he wrestles with his conscience every day and i was flippant with my response
these have been pinging around in my head all day
funny how most of us listen to talk all day and suddenly a conversation can strike a chord
i know why they told me
both for very different reasons

sadness

much has happened in the past few months soon after my first blog my mother was flown to hospital in melbourne a very long way from her family and friends i left work and went to her
well invasive and quite major surgery do not go well with 84 year olds sadly all this took its toll and on may 17th at 12.20pm we let her go she was 1 week off her 85th birthday
she was buried on the 22nd
her funeral was perfect her choir sang her children spoke and tears were shed
smiles and laughter were had
now i have memories
when i see her hand written notes or cards i stop just for an instant and then smile
i think of her often as i should but cannot be too sad the person we would have gotten back would not have been our mother or friend or gandmother or sister
and this person would not have liked who she had become
so life does go on
and out of this comes another wonderful story but its not for these pages yet or maybe forever

dreams

I was thinking it's a really good thing that dreams have nothing to do with real life otherwise we could all be in lots of trouble...enough said.
I had the best compliment yesterday as I was shopping with my daughter after I had said hello to a friend she looked at me and said "you look so unstressed...you look great" well my reply was that I work really quite hard at staying unstressed and in my job that can be difficult. What do I do hmm well look at the big picture, try to find positives in everything, treat people well, be generous in more ways than money, I guess it's the glass half full attitude. I have not always been this way, sometimes something or things set you on a path that you have no map for so you can't know where you are going. I have a great respect for people who have plans and goals and direction. Not me, never! Not to say I don't have any idea from day to day, it's just lots of what we do is routine and no need for a plan. Maybe I miss things because I have a more meandering way when I travel, but I read books, watch people and if I do go on those *shudder* tours I think of all the other things I could have spent my tourist dollars on. I also drink nice wine with good friends and laugh alot, it helps.

a great day

I have finally organised my time to begin this, thanks to my daughter who quote 'spends far too much time online and feel free to ask me anything about the internet' what a pet. My day has been great, any day that is painfree, relatively stressfree and you've had a few laughs is a great day. It is now late so I will bid myself good night